Author Topic: Men's Tools Explained  (Read 1118 times)

Offline Repair-man

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Men's Tools Explained
« on: October 30, 2009, 02:24:47 PM »
DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out
of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in
the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with
the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from
fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, sh*t!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you
attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you
want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum
sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you
cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used,
as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws
into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind
of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we
are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to
your  front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records,  liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and
rubber or  plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only
while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling, "Son
of a b*tch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool
that you will need.
"It's only expensive if someone else fixes it for you" -
The Virtual Repairman   www.repair2000.com

Online AJ

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Re: Men's Tools Explained
« Reply #1 on: October 30, 2009, 02:29:57 PM »
 :2funny: :rofl:
Hope you find our site helpful.

Offline JWWebster

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Re: Men's Tools Explained
« Reply #2 on: October 30, 2009, 02:43:43 PM »
Dang it I am still huntin fer that left handed screwdriver
May the hinges of our friendship
        never grow rusty.

About the icons: The beer is tip link, if a tech saves ya some money buy em a 6 pack. The small green square=personal message. The green dot is a link to my web page on appliance repair and other general BS I love to post. The letter sends me email.
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